Chandra Shares Her Birth Story

Brielle Cain Davis’ Birth Story

I first started feeling contractions on Wednesday morning, April 14, 2010 at approximately 3:30 a.m. I decided to get up and do some work until I had to get dressed and ready at about 9:00 a.m. I had a midwife appointment and a sonogram scheduled later that day. I went through the rest of the day not feeling any more contractions.

At around 8 p.m. I went into Brielle’s room to do some last minute finishing touches and I felt a little bit of water leaking out. I thought to myself that my water may have broken, but there was no gush like you hear about on TV/movies. So I realized I had a few last emails I wanted to send to my bosses, so I got on the computer and worked until about 9 p.m. The contractions started to get stronger and more regular. I admitted that I was actually in labor and thought that I better get focused on giving birth to Brielle. I went upstairs and asked George to start timing the contractions while I rolled around on my exercise ball. The contractions were about 8 minutes a part. I watched Glee and some other show we had on DVR. George went to sleep for about 45 minutes! Lucky him! When he woke up the contractions were about 6 minutes apart and getting stronger. I asked for my wine, which tasted pretty good, but it seemed to slow down the contractions, so I only drank about 3 good sips. In order to manage the pain, we danced, changed positions, and I sounded.

Mother Baby Friendly Initiative

I had published this in my blog last year. But after a mom came to the Meet the Doula Tea this past week and shared that she had had a list of questions to ask her doctor when she was first pregnant, but once she asked them she did not know what the answers really meant. I have heard it said that question 2 about episiotomies is one of the most- if not the most- revealing question to ask. If they routinely find it "necessary" to cut a first time mom, they are more than likely very interventive. I had a client get this answered by one doctor as he only did it when "necessary." When asked further when he found it necessary, he said, if it looks like she is going to tear. Ouch! She decided he was too interventive for her and she found a new care provider.

I think when the care provider determines you are "late" is also a revealing question. In the ACOG pamphlet  it states,  "The day your baby is due is called the “estimated date of delivery,” or EDD. Although only about 1 in 20 women give birth on their exact due date, your EDD is useful for a number of reasons. It is used as a guide for checking your baby’s growth and your pregnancy’s progress. The EDD gives a rough idea of when your baby will be born. Most women go into labor within about 2 weeks before or after their due date. "  There are several things a physician can do to help determine the well being of a baby who is still in utero after 40 weeks. But if they say things like, "nothing good can come after 40 weeks." and "your baby is only getting bigger and your placenta is only getting older." both things I personally have heard care providers say, then perhaps they need to rethink their association with the ACOG stance. You have a due month for a reason- babies come sometime between that 38th and 42nd week because most often the due date is merely a guess!

So here is the repost!

In Sheri Menelli's bookJOURNEY INTO MOTHERHOOD she addressses the CIMS initiative of questions you should ask your care provider and expounds a bit about them:

HAV I N G  A  B A B Y ?  TEN QU E S T I O N S TO A S K: 
How to have your baby? The choice is yours!
First, you should learn as much as you can about all your choices. There are many different ways of caring for a mother and her baby during labor and birth. Birthing care that is better and healthier for mothers and
babies is called “mother-friendly.” Some birth places or settings are more mother-friendly than others.
A group of experts in birthing care came up with this list of 10 things to look for and ask about. Medical research supports all of these things. These are also the best ways to be mother-friendly. When you are deciding where to have your baby, you’ll probably be choosing from different places such as:
• birth center,
• hospital, or
• home birth service.

Here’s what you should expect, and ask for, in your birth experience. Be sure to find out how the people you talk with handle these ten issues about caring for you and your baby. You may want to ask the questions below to help you learn more.

1. “Who can be with me during labor and birth?”
Mother-friendly birth centers, hospitals and home birth services will let a birthing mother decide whom she wants to have with her during the birth. This includes fathers, partners, children, other family members or friends. They will also let a birthing mother have with her a person who has special training in helping women cope with labor and birth. This person is called a doula or labor support person. She never leaves the birthing mother alone. She encourages her, comforts her and helps her understand what’s happening to her. They will have midwives as part of their staff so that a birthing mother can have a midwife with her if she wants to.

2. “What happens during a normal labor and birth in your setting?”
If they give mother-friendly care, they will tell you how they handle every part of the birthing process. For example, how often do they give the mother a drug to speed up the birth? Or do they let labor and birth usually happen on its own timing? They will also tell you how often they do certain procedures. For example, they will have a record of the percentage of C-sections (Cesarean births) they do every year. If the number
is too high, you’ll want to consider having your baby in another place or with another doctor or midwife.
Here are some numbers we recommend you ask about.
• They should not use oxytocin (a drug) to start labor for more than 1 in 10 women (10%).
• They should not do an episiotomy (ee-pee-zee-AH-tummy) on more than 1 in 5 women (20%). They should be trying to bring that number down. (An episiotomy is a cut in the opening to the vagina to make it larger for birth. It is not necessary most of the time.)
• They should not do C-sections on more than 1 in 10 women, (10%) if it’s a community hospital. The rate should be 15% or less in hospitals which care for many high-risk mothers and babies. A C-section is a major operation in which a doctor cuts through the mother’s stomach into her womb and removes the baby through the opening. Mothers who have had a C-section can often have future babies normally. Look for a birth place in which 6 out of 10 women (60%) or more of the mothers who have had C-sections go on to have their other babies through the birth canal.

3. “How do you allow for differences in culture and beliefs?”
Mother-friendly birth centers, hospitals and home birth services are sensitive to the mother’s culture. They know that mothers and families have differing beliefs, values and customs. For example, you may have a custom that only women may be with you during labor and birth. Or perhaps your beliefs include a religious ritual to be done after birth. There are many other examples that may be very important to you. If the place and the people are mother-friendly, they will support you in doing what you want to do. Before labor starts
tell your doctor or midwife special things you want.

4. “Can I walk and move around during labor? What position do you suggest for birth?”
In mother-friendly settings, you can walk around and move about as you choose during labor. You can choose the positions that are most comfortable and work best for you during labor and birth. (There may be a medical reason for you to be in a certain position.) Mother-friendly settings almost never put a woman flat on her back with her legs up in stirrups for the birth.

5. “How do you make sure everything goes smoothly when my nurse, doctor, midwife, or agency need to work with each other?”
Ask, “Can my doctor or midwife come with me if I have to be moved to another place during labor? Can you help me find people or agencies in my community who can help me before and after the baby is born?”
Mother-friendly places and people will have a specific plan for keeping in touch with the other people who are caring for you. They will talk to others who give you birth care. They will help you find people or agencies in your community to help you. For example, they may put you in touch with someone who can help you with breastfeeding.

6. “What things do you normally do to a woman in labor?”
Experts say some methods of care during labor and birth are better and healthier for mothers and babies. Medical research shows us which methods of care are better and healthier. Mother-friendly settings only use methods that have been proven to be best by scientific evidence. Sometimes birth centers, hospitals and home birth services use methods that are not proven to be best for the mother or the baby. For example, research has shown it’s usually not helpful to break the bag of waters. Here is a list of things we recommend you ask about. They do not help and may hurt healthy mothers and babies. They are not proven to be best for the mother or baby and are not mother-friendly.
• They should not keep track of the baby’s heart rate all the time with a machine (called an electronic fetal monitor). Instead it is best to have your nurse or midwife listen to the baby’s heart from time to time.
• They should not break your bag of waters early in labor.
• They should not use an IV (a needle put into your vein to give you fluids).
• They should not tell you that you can’t eat or drink during labor.
• They should not shave you.
• They should not give you an enema.
A birth center, hospital or home birth service that does these things for most of the mothers is not mother-friendly. Remember, these should not be used without a special medical reason.

7. ”How do you help mothers stay as comfortable as they can be? Besides drugs, how do you help mothers relieve the pain of labor?”
The people who care for you should know how to help you cope with labor. They should know about ways of dealing with your pain that don’t use drugs. They should suggest such things as changing your position, relaxing in a warm bath, having a massage and using music. These are called comfort measures.Comfort measures help you handle your labor more easily and help you feel more in control. The people who care
for you will not try to persuade you to use a drug for pain unless you need it to take care of a special medical problem. All drugs affect the baby.

8. “What if my baby is born early or has special problems?”
Mother-friendly places and people will encourage mothers and families to touch, hold, breastfeed and care for their babies as much as they can. They will encourage this even if your baby is born early or has a medical problem at birth. (However, there may be a special medical reason you shouldn’t hold and care for your baby.)


9. ”Do you circumcise baby boys?”
Medical research does not show a need to circumcise baby boys. It is painful and risky. Mother-friendly birth places discourage circumcision unless it is for religious reasons.


10. “How do you help mothers who want to breastfeed?” The World Health Organization made this list of ways birth services support breastfeeding.
• They tell all pregnant mothers why and how to breastfeed.
• They help you start breastfeeding within 1 hour after your baby is born.
• They show you how to breastfeed. And they show you how to keep your milk coming in even if you have to be away from your baby for work or other reasons.
• Newborns should have only breast milk. (However, there may be a medical reason they cannot have it right away.)
• They encourage you and the baby to stay together all day and all night. This is called “rooming-in.”
• They encourage you to feed your baby whenever he or she wants to nurse, rather than at certain times.
• They should not give pacifiers (“dummies” or “soothers”) to breastfed babies.
• They encourage you to join a group of mothers who breastfeed. They tell you how to contact a group near you.
• They have a written policy on breastfeeding. All the employees know about and use the ideas in the policy.
• They teach employees the skills they need to carry out these steps.

Would you like to give this information (and more) to your doctor, midwife or nurse? This information was taken from The Mother-Friendly Childbirth Initiative written for health care providers. You can get a copy of the Initiative for your doctor, midwife, or nurse by mail, e-mail, or on the World Wide Web at www.motherfriendly.org.
©2000 by the Coalition for Improving Maternity Services

What is Prenatal Preparation?

I received a call yesterday from a good friend and someone who I adore. It was my acupuncturist Dr. Gurusahay Khalsa. He was sadly telling me that due to restrictions in his insurance he can no longer see a patient for the first time for acupuncture. Often times we send our clients there when they have a breech baby and need help turning this baby. He mentioned it would be better if they had already been seeing him along their journey. I totally agreed! And it got me thinking about prenatal care and preparation.

When someone becomes pregnant they seek out the care provider they will see for prenatal care. But really they needed to be seeing a good midwife or physician prior to becoming pregnant to make sure their health was good - taking folic acid prior to becoming pregnant- watching their diet, being clear of medications that could harm a developing fetus, etc. This is the pre- prenatal care that insures a safe and healthy pregnancy. But we all believe a good provider found early in pregnancy is essential. But what else is essential?

So, I thought I would share what I would consider a wonderful path to prenatal care and preparation.

• First I would seek the care of a midwife if I wanted a non interventive birth and was healthy. There are a handful of doctors who practice holistic care and they are wonderful alternatives to a great midwife. There are some midwives who practice like the most interventive physician as well- so all care providers are not created equal.If you would be considered high risk, a physician may be a good choice. But keep in mind what some consider to make you high risk may not be risky at all to others. for instance I have supported women as their doula who were in their early 40's and were being seen by a midwife.
• I would choose a care provider based on where they practice hospital wise if choosing to birth at a hospital versus home. There are a lot of hospitals in our area- and they offer different options. Don't expect that all hospitals are created equal in respect to what you are "allowed" to do for your birth experience. For instance in our area there are only two hospitals that offer water birth- AMC and North Fulton. You may not initially be interested in a water birth- but this could change as you learned more about it. At least it would then be an option to consider.
• I would take an early pregnancy class. If you do not know what kinds of questions to ask and what options you may want- then it makes it hard to have those options later if you did not ask or know what your choices could be. I would try to find a class that was offered by an independent person- not paid by the hospital itself.
• I would begin, if you had not already done so, to seek some alternative therapies that would keep your body in the best condition for the pregnancy. 
• I would seek a great massage therapist who was familiar with the pregnant body. 
• I would seek a good chiropractor who also knew the webster technique to help you stay in perfect alignment and know what to do if your baby did not! 
• I would seek the skills of an acupuncturist to keep my balance and help to harmonize my  life energy during this important time. 
• I would consider seeing a naturopath to help me understand the things I could do to help keep myself healthy and in case I became sick to understand safe alternatives to the allopathic medicine path. 
• I would try to start eating organic and move my diet into the healthier range if I was not already doing so. 
• I would seek out some great pregnancy exercise classes- prenatal yoga, prenatal dance, belly dancing, walking, swimming, etc.
• I would take childbirth and breastfeeding classes early enough in my pregnancy to be able to practice and absorb the ideas that can change the "garbage in garbage out" situation we often are in listening to others share their horror stories and give us erroneous information. The mind body connection is imperative for a fearless birth experience.
• I would seek the support of a doula. The studies are in- they do make a difference- big time! 
• I would read a few great books to help me prepare for the birth and even more books to help me prepare for parenting. 
• I would attend La Leche League meetings in my second trimester. 

In doing these things often we will find a core of new friendships that will help us in those early months as a new parent.

Ironically folks do not do most of the stuff in the previous paragraph. But folks believe that a fit pregnancy and healthy outcome just happen. As a doula I would attest that most of the time those who follow the true prenatal preparation path have better outcomes. So, just as you follow guidelines from your doctor or midwife to follow their guidelines for your diet and medication- consider that there is more to prenatal preparation than the selection of your care provider.

So, don't limit your thinking when it comes to what prenatal care and preparation really means. A healthier mom produces a healthier baby and has a more gentle outcome for herself and her baby.

Ladies of the Labyrinth

This May will be my 18th year of attending births. It has been a wondrous journey in my life. But one thing that has been difficult as a doula is the unpredictability of being on call. Often times events are postponed and travel is limited. But the other hard part of this is being well rested and ready for the next mom's needs. A doula does not need to go to bed at night hoping the phone will not ring in hopes of getting a full night of rest to be ready for the next call. I have to say, this has happened many times over the past 18 years.

In our group we have several doulas. Some of these doulas either due to other commitments or their family's needs have chosen to take on a dozen or less births a year. They often take the summer off when their children are out of school. This makes for a very relaxed schedule as a doula. There are others in our group who take several clients a month and add to their schedule a host of other responsibilities- not only personally but may also teach classes within our company's services. These are often times the doulas who are the most busy and most tired!

So, in an attempt to allow those doulas to stay busy doing what they love- teaching and supporting several women a month, and be able to give the best doula service to these moms, we have formed the Ladies of the Labyrinth within the company of Labor of Love. This approach will begin in October 2010. We hope it allows couples to determine which approach is right for them.

When you hire an individual doula within Labor of Love, having met their back up doula sisters at the Meet the Doula Tea, the odds are you will have her be your doula. But if there is sickness, an unexpected emergency or they are with another mother, you may have a different doula providing services. This happens less than 3% of the time. Coming to the tea gives you an opportunity to meet any possible back ups. The exception to this back up is how the Ladies of the Labyrinth will work.

We have taken the three most experienced doulas and teamed them together to form the Ladies of the Labyrinth which includes Teresa Howard, Guina Bixler and Pam Roe. These three doulas:
*are all childbirth educators within the company
*have all breastfed their children and have trained or certified in lactation education
*comprise the most experienced doulas within the Atlanta doula community
*are the older and mature “mothers” of our group with over 150 years of life experience
*have over 750 births among the three of them
*their families are in the next phase- the “empty nesters” and crones of our group

This new team approach allows:
*You to get to know all three of them prior to your labor beginning
*You interview the three of them together if you are unable to come to the tea to meet them
*They provide two prenatals- one with two of them and one with the other individual doula
*You have access to all three of them for your questions with their combined experience offering you ideas to consider via emails or phone contacts. They share an email of lol@alaboroflove.org.
*They share exclusive call with each other- You are assured one of the three of them for your labor (with the rare exception of having a midwifery apprentice/doula backing them up in very rare extreme situations.)

We are very excited to offer you two options within our doula services. We hope you find a great fit among our doulas and among the two approaches we now offer.

An Article About Teresa

Labor of Love Doula and Childbirth Services Alexandra Joy Laing, a UGA journalism student interviewed me a few months back. She also interviewed Laurie Nicole Hickman Olinger and Julie Howard Moon in the article.

She just sent the link to the article is on the page! Here it is for you to read online: Article on Teresa I am proud of the article!

Thanks to Laurie and Julie for their contribution and to Alexandra for her expertise!

Why Hire a Postpartum Doula?

Many years ago, I read a book called “Operating Instructions” by Anne Lamott. The book was the result of a diary Anne had kept, chronicling her son’s first year of life. It was a totally honest look at having a baby – depicting every messy, joyful, anxiety producing moment of having a newborn. She was a single mom who had the support of a loving friend, but was mainly winging it on her own. Because let’s face it, as the title indicates, these little people do not come with manuals. Thinking back on that book, I realize that Anne could have really benefited from a postpartum doula.

Many times when I tell people that I’m a postpartum doula, they ask exactly what do I do. Well a postpartum doula is like a mom, sister and friend all wrapped up in one. She will make sure the new mom is taking care of herself: napping, drinking water, eating snacks and meals prepared for her. She will also help with nursing: getting a good latch, trying different nursing positions, increasing milk supply etc. We teach various soothing techniques for the baby, what Dr. Harvey Karp – “The Happiest Baby on the Block” author calls the 5 S’s (swaddling, swaying, sucking, shhshing, sling wearing). We do laundry, light housekeeping, and organizing the nursery. While a mom, sister, or friend might do all of the things I have mentioned above, they might also bring their own baggage along and I’m not talking about their suitcases. Friends and family mean well, however they may let their own experiences dictate what they think you should do and what they believe is best. A postpartum doula supports you; she doesn’t tell you what to do. The information she gives has no agenda and is strictly evidence based. So when do you start thinking about hiring a postpartum doula?

Just as you wouldn’t hire a labor doula when you are in labor, you don’t want to wait until you have the baby to consider postpartum help. Before the baby arrives, think about the kind of help that you might need and would be most beneficial to you. Think about whom best would provide that help. It may be a mother, aunt, sister or friend or you may want a postpartum doula. Planning ahead who will support you after your birth will go a long way in making the transition into parenthood much smoother.

By Patricia Schultz

All Things to All Women

Paul said in 1 Corinithians 9:22b, "I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some."

As doulas we become what a woman, what a couple needs us to be for them in labor. When you meet a doula at a party, she may be in her party mode - not her birth support mode. When you meet her at a function where she is facilitating a meeting or a class, she is in teacher or facilitator mode, not labor guide mode. Just as you do not plan to have your party mode on during your labor, realize you will be different than you "normally" are during that time as well.

Sometimes women will say, I will need someone strong in my labor - that is you. Or they may say, I need someone to mother me in labor- that is you. Or I want someone who is gentle and quiet in my labor- will that be you? I think it is imperative to say that we become what you need us to be in that moment in labor. You really have no idea what you may need. We have no idea what you may need either. But our job is to rise to the occasion and be what you need.

Sometimes your partner will determine what they need in labor as far as labor support. Perhaps they want to be very hands on and want to make sure that the labor support does not take on their role. Perhaps they want to be very hands off and do not want to feel forced into a role they are not comfortable with. This just needs to be communicated prior to labor. But realize this role may need to be changed in labor or you may desire to switch gears without prior knowledge as well.

So, let your doula know what you may desire. Also think about the setting you met her in... realize that is not her all the time- that is one facet of her personality. Just as you are multifaceted, so are we. We truly try to become all things to all women as to support their needs in labor.

Watch the Language Around You!

Imagine you are driving down a road- it is not clear where you are going. The weather outside is beginning to be unpredictable. You turn on the radio and the commentator keeps saying he does not think the road is open ahead. In fact he says multiple times you may be able to drive down the road but that does not mean you will be able to get through this huge roadblock ahead. You may have the gas to get there- you may have a car that works to get you there- but it does not mean you will be able to get through the roadblock.

A passenger in the car may encourage you that you can do it. But all you can see ahead is a red flashing light saying STOP! TURN AROUND!

I want to share with you the language used in two births I attended recently. One was a mom attempting a VBAC (vaginal birth after a previous cesarean) and one was a first time mom having her labor augmented. I want you to consider the mind body connection and how this type of language can interfere with a mom's ability to believe in her body- her baby- and her birth.

The doctor came into the room and after suggesting that Pitocin was needed commented, "He can get anyone to dilate but that did not mean you could get the baby to be born vaginally."

Later he came in and said, "He was sure this baby was over 9.5 pounds and the baby’s head was molding a lot. But he was unsure if this baby really was going to fit." (the baby weighed 8# 14 oz)

He returned an hour later and said, "He hates pushing cause he knows the damage it can do. He has to do so much reconstructive surgery on women due to pushing out big babies."

After having to stay in the hospital all night since she was a VBAC, he made the comment, "That there was no financial viability in doing VBACs like this. It was not cost effective for him."

He later came in and shared how awful it was to have to bump a doctor out of the OR for his planned cesarean deliveries when a mom waited til just before 7am to have her cesarean called. He told her he would not impose that schedule change on another doctor as he hated it when it was done to him. He would be calling this before he had to do that.

He was certainly surprised when only an hour or so later when she pushed her daughter our vaginally into the hands of her supportive midwife. He even said, "You certainly surprised me!"

The next mom had a doctor who was very gentle and encouraging for the most part. He would come in and although she was not progressing he would offer that she could do nothing and keep going. But he would offer the caveat that she was an older mom- she was 34 years old. How our uterus was really meant to have babies in our 20's.

He then would return and say almost identical to the first doc, "I can get you fully dilated, but that does not mean this baby is going to fit out your vagina."

He would encourage her to keep doing what she was doing but would end each statement with, "I don't think this baby will fit."

He would also offer up that in Ireland they are doing active management of labor. "The active management of labor, first introduced by O'Driscoll et al in the 1960s at the National Maternity Hospital in Dublin, Ireland,5 is a group of interventions initially devised to ensure short labors in nulliparous (never having given birth before) women. In addition, active management of labor was noted to be associated with a lower cesarean section rate,6,7 which was thought to be due to a decrease in the number of cesarean deliveries performed for dystocia. Three randomized studies have been done to evaluate the efficacy of active management of labor.8,9,10 These studies have demonstrated significant decreases in the duration of labor and the incidence of infectious morbidity, as well as a trend toward lower cesarean section rates." What this really means is they gave moms huge amounts of Pitocin after breaking their water and pushed their labors into a short but frenzied labor. There was no discussion of how the Pitocin may effect the baby or mom. Nor was there any consideration for the type of birth experience this left the mom with. But he said it is catching momentum with doctors!

So after not progressing for several hours, this mom had her water broken and then active labor began. She did get fully dilated but after a little more than an hour with constant comments on how this baby, "was not going to fit." and a declaration that the baby had a capput- the swelling of the soft tissue on his head, a cesarean was strongly encouraged.

I am not sure if this doctor felt the same way as the first about having his surgery schedule messed with- since the call was made just before 6am and the scheduled cesareans begin at 7am. I am unsure if this doctor was just tired of waiting. I am unsure if this mom really could not fit this baby through her pelvis. (The baby was just under 8 pounds.) I am unsure we will ever know.

But what I do know is it is hard to keep driving forward when the red flashing lights are blaring at you. It is hard to keep moving ahead when those you feel are in authority are saying you can get there but you will never make it through the roadblock that they see.

The mind body connection is a strong one. But it is also so hard when you are feeling so vulnerable. When you are second guessing your ability, when the ones you believe can guide you best are not believing the dream you had planned, it is shaky ground. It is a highly emotionally charged time. You do not know the decisions that are right all the time- when you look back later you wonder... but you have to make the decisions that feel right in that instance. It is not black and white. There is no clarity. It is easy for those on the outside to second guess your choices. It is awful when someone says you made the wrong decision. They were not there! They did not feel what you felt!

And what about the baby? What about the mom's intuitive spirit? One mom hoped she would be able to birth her baby vaginally this time and she did. One mom had no idea she would be having a surgical birth. Some of her friends had opted to do so without labor. She had discussed this early in her labor with me. I thought it a curious conversation at the time. I wonder if her body was letting her know something. I wonder if she needed to know that laboring first before a planned cesarean had its benefits. When later she felt something just was not working, it makes me wonder if that came from her internal spirit or was it a seed this doctor had planted. We won't ever know for sure.

But when you are driving down a road- it is not always clear where you are going. The weather can be unpredictable. Those in authority may believe you will not be able to get through this huge roadblock ahead. You must believe what you have come to believe as truth. You must shut out the negative voices around you and give it your best try. Then you will either find out they did not speak the truth for you- you either do make it through the road block or indeed it is one that is insurmountable. But what you will know is this- you gave it your best. You did not quit due to non belief.

And with that I pray you will surround yourself with voices of affirmation. I pray you will surround yourself with support along the way so you can get the information you need to make your decisions. I hope you will face your roadblocks with courage.

Metamorphisis of a Mother

I recently talked to a new mom. She was having her baby blues moments and felt a bit lost. She said she felt she had lost herself - the woman she had been for three decades of her life was now gone- she was a mother. Her identity as her old self she felt was gone.

As she talked she also was mourning the time she once had with her husband as a couple... just the two of them. She felt she missed him so much. He had gone back to work and she was taking care of the baby on her own now during the day.

I remembered something I had read by Thich Nhat Hanh where he shared about a father who at one time felt he had to divide or compartmentalize his life into his time, his time with his wife, his time with each child. And somehow he never had enough of his time. How often do I hear parents say this? But this father went on to share with the monk that indeed he had more time now since he no longer separated himself out of the time he spent with others. He felt it was his time when he spent time with his son-- not his son's time. He felt it was his time when he spent time with his wife- not just her time.

I shared with this new mom the thought of metamorphosis. We can still see the caterpillar when we look closely at the butterfly. She is not gone at all- only changed. She is still present in the butterfly... only made more beautiful now.

If we look at motherhood as a loss of our maidenhood and our couple status now changed to one of family loosing the couple we have failed to see the beauty of metamorphosis in our lives. Change is not something to be afraid of- it is something to be embraced.

I am an "empty nester" now- but still a mother- and now morphed into a grandmother as well. My relationship with my husband has changed once more as our roll as parents have changed. It is one more passage on our journey of life.

I encouraged this mom to consider a water color picture... one where the colors blend one into the other. Instead of seeing our lives as static colors not merging into one another- when we blend the colors as they meet, it makes a beautiful flowing picture.

The emblem of the butterfly has always meant something really special to me. Our company logo is a metamorphosing warrior woman. Not a loss of the maiden- but the new birth as a mother. Nothing loss at all- only changed to be made more beautiful.

I wanted to share some quotes by Thich Nhat Hanh that I think convey this message as well.

“Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life.”

So when I read this I think we can not dwell on what has been lost at all- we must move ahead in order to embrace life- but we need to be still and feel where we are right now- in the present to fully feel alive. As parents we are usually in such a hurry to get our children into the next stage of life that we don't fully appreciate where we are right now in their lives. We need to be still and present where we are- knowing it will not last forever- but will be changing quickly enough.

"Everyday we do things, we are things that have to do with peace. If we are aware of our life..., our way of looking at things, we will know how to make peace right in the moment, we are alive."

As new mothers we are also competitive.. "is your child sleeping through the night yet?" "does johnny have a tooth yet?" "is sally eating solids yet..." You get my drift? We need to be at peace with where we are and our children are- one day at a time. Peace comes with acceptance. Not being compliant about the things you hope for and want to change- but acceptance of where you are now so you can begin to live and make the changes you desire.

"We cannot enjoy life if we spend a lot of time worrying about what happened yesterday and what will happen tomorrow . We worry about tomorrow because we are afraid. If we are afraid all the time, we cannot appreciate that we are alive and can be happy now."

I love what the bible says, Matthew 6:34, "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

As new parents we are full of worry. We worry about the kind of parents we will become. We worry about our children's future. We worry about their health and ours. We worry about our finances and providing for our children. But if you look back on your life- notice the things that brought you happiness and joy. Worry was not part of that. Living is what brought happiness.

“The beginning of wisdom is wonder, and the spark of wonder is kindled in the person who sees the world as new.”

As new parents if we embrace the newness with wonder instead of fear and anxiety, we will see some things about ourselves and our children that would have been missed otherwise. Looking back we notice how we managed to get through events that made us afraid before doing them. Embrace newness of events with this wonder that the monk refers to here and you may find an excitement you failed to see before.

"Every morning, when we wake up, we have twenty-four brand-new hours to live.What a precious gift! We have the capacity to live in a way that these twenty-four hours will bring peace, joy, and happiness to ourselves and others."

Yes as a new parent morning may come sooner than you wanted with little sleep from the night before... but I love the way God brings the darkness at night and the sun in the morning as a way to remind us it is new day- a new time to start over- to move forward on a new journey.

Peace is present right here and now, in ourselves and in everything we do and see. The question is whether or not we are in touch with it. We don't have to travel far away to enjoy the blue sky. We don't have to leave our city or even our neighborhood to enjoy the eyes of a beautiful child. Even the air we breathe can be a source of joy."

So hold your baby in your arms- sniff that beautiful baby smell into your nostrils. Realize it is a new day, a new journey, a new experience... and live!

"We can smile, breathe, walk, and eat our meals in a way that allows us to be in touch with the abundance of happiness that is available. We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive. Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity. We need only to be awake, alive in the present moment."

Informed: Not Bamboozled

I was thinking about the role of a doula today. Sometimes folks say they want a doula to "protect" them or "intervene on their behalf" or "advocate" for them or "play interference with the staff".

I am not sure that is the real role a doula needs to have at a birth. Ideally you have met with your doula and given her an idea of the birth ideals you have. What you feel strongly about and those things you are more flexible about allowing to unfold within the journey of your birth. She also can help you to explore some ideas you may not have considered yet for your birth dreams.

But in the labor itself, her job is to support you. If you feel the need to be protected- you are probably not in the right location and have not chosen the right folks to be at your birth. If you need her to intervene for you, I wonder where your voice is during your labor- and did you communicate your desires beforehand to the support team you have? Yes things may change along the way- and she can help you communicate the changes if they occur- but intervention on your behalf is edging on speaking for you and that may be a bit dis-empowering to you. She may help you to communicate your thoughts at times you are unable to do so clearly- but a doula must be careful to not speak for the woman because it may not be accurate to what the woman feels and it is can be construed as overstepping her bounds and making your decisions for you. This is where advocating for a woman gets a bit tricky. I have written about this before. I advocate by reminding the mom of her options- reminding her of her original birth ideals- helping her to formulate her questions in order to get the answers she seeks and supporting her in her decisions.

I feel my job is to support- to offer encouragement and ideas to help facilitate the kind of birth outcome she desires. My job is to make sure she is getting the information she needs to make the right decisions for her.

Recently I had a mom make a decision in her labor to move forward with a cesarean birth. Whether I agreed with her decision or not was not important. Whether I would have done the same thing was inconsequential to her making her decision. What I want to walk away knowing is that she made this decision by gathering information and assessing in her situation if that is what she wanted to do. I want to make sure she has been given options and then been able to determine what is the right thing for her. My job is to try to make sure she is not bamboozled or bullied or driven by fear that has been pushed on her in making this decision.

I feel that the role of the doula is that of support- not second guessing or berating the mom herself by in not agreeing with the mom doing her own bamboozling of the mom. If she has been able to make good decisions all along, what makes us think given the space, opportunity and information, she is unable to make good decisions now?